Somewhere Along the Way
Why do I feel more vulnerable writing among the people who shared my story from the beginning before blogging even existed?
How is it that sharing my passion with strangers-who-became-friends was easier than exposing my soul living here? Here where so many have invested in me. Here where I bump into those long-loved and begin to love anew.
There are so many individual stories to catch up on, but there is a knowing. Maybe that knowing is what I fear.
photo credit: Robb North
Dylan and I packed our bus and went to Texas to mission training school, but it wasn’t our doing. Generosity was our income and faith was our food.
The people who live here paid our way. Names noted one by one. Faces of saints who believed in us. Families who prayed and cared and gave with an open hand.
There is a weight to those gifts.
I was going to the other side of the world, not Idaho. Sent out more than once, yet called back with a dim idea that I can make a difference. But who am I?
Voices say I am a prayer warrior, a good friend, a giver of grace…The words swirl around my heart. Then they quietly slip to the floor.
I know who I really am.
I am fickle, lazy, prideful. I talk too much and listen too little. My patience fails and my selfishness flares. I am a sinner.
Don’t expect much from me, but expect everything from the Savior.
Somewhere along the way, He taught me the risk of love was worth it.
Somewhere along the way, He taught me where I end and someone else begins.
Somewhere along the way, He humbled me by pulling me out of my myopia.
I am crushed by His mercy.
Vulnerability is having the ability to be wounded. Yes, that is what I still fear. Being misunderstood, being screamed at again, being stripped of even more of my pride. Hurting my family. Losing my friends. But does fear help? No, it hinders.
Love reaches out in spite of fear.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (I Corinthians 13: 4-6)
Love recognizes that we are all somewhere along the way…
7 Comments
Welcome
Thank you for visiting my record of reflections about biblical principles, family life, and home education.
May you find peace here.
~Renae Deckard
Subscribe and Follow
In Memory of Mattias
ChristianBook.com
Share
Beautiful, especially, “Don’t expect much from me, but expect everything from the Savior. It’s so true!
Jenn
Jenn,
When I think of you, I smile. Thank you for your faithful reaching…God uses you! Never doubt that!
Nicely written, Renae. I am always more self-conscious about writing once people I know in real life start reading my blog, too. :)
.-= Dana´s last blog ..Nursing is so much more than feeding =-.
Thank you, Dana. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one. A lot of people actually write blogs for their family and friends? What’s wrong with us? ;)
Great post and hit a cord..for me its the fear of that open vulnerability…having had bad experiences of the past of being me and then being harshly rejected and also that balance of privacy versus living life too open.
You hit it on the head when you shared,“Vulnerability is having the ability to be wounded. Yes, that is what I still fear. Being misunderstood, being screamed at again, being stripped of even more of my pride. Hurting my family. Losing my friends. But does fear help? No, it hinders.”
I’m a “recovering” people pleaser, someone learning to stand up and stop being everyone’s doormat and conforming to make everyone happy who can’t be happy except when it’s telling me what to do, what to think, what to be, and in the process still learning and yearning to find my voice and saying, “This is me, accept me as me and love me as me and not what I cannot be”.
Oooo….great post for thought today! Thank you for opening up and sharing what you share!
.-= Twinkle Mom @ Sunflower Faith´s last blog ..Making it through Leviticus =-.
Thank you, wonderful post, Renae!
.-= Jennifer in OR´s last blog ..Thank You for my dishes =-.
Renae,
This is such a beautiful and deep post! Thank you so much for making yourself vulnerable here and sharing your heart with us.
Beautiful and Powerful…
.-= Nikki´s last blog ..Making Books =-.