Two Months Alone
The conversation began with a different question. Usually, it’s something related to science or the meaning of a word. This night the churning in a young man’s soul surprised me:
Mom, do you feel divorced?
For sixteen years I have never been apart from the man who taught me to relax, to dream, and to accept myself. He gave me a confidence I never had on my own. He struggles, like we all do, but his every cell oozes love for his family. I know this. I live this. I bask in it, and it exists even without his arms around me.
No, son, I don’t feel divorced. Just lonely and stretched.
Dylan’s strength and joy buffer my moods. Fixing the car and cleaning rain gutters have never been on my list of chores. Small problems glare that he would fix in a moment. I wonder what else I take for granted.
Perhaps, my own delusions of strength. I think I’m consistent and determined and patient. My tendency is to blame any issues in our family on my husband.
Reality reveals otherwise. There is no one else here now. I am exposed.
The press squeezes out the best and the worst. The satisfaction of facing a fear or the joy of cuddling with my kids. Other times it is the frustration of yelling or the guilt of laziness. I haven’t suddenly changed because my husband is gone. I was this way while he was as near as his dirty shoes on the kitchen floor.
He loved me then and he loves me now. A blessing that snags in my heart and knots the words. Those scattered shoes look different in my mind now. I see with a new grace for him and for me. Love covers.
Thank you for sharing. Very touching.
God bless.
Jasmine´s last blog ..Demons
Hey Renae, I feel your pain. I too have been without my husband. He has been working on a project up at Petit Lake. He stays in the camper up there during the week & comes home on weekends. At least I see him on weekends. It feels forever during the long weeks without him! As I am writing this there is huge snow flakes falling to the ground! The size of fifty cent pieces. Pretty!
God is good & He will see you through this hard time. Love you and can’t wait to see you again!
Trudy
Trudy,
Thank you. Yes, we are almost ready to start the next adventure. You’ve heard about our new/old house, right? ;)
I look forward to seeing you, too!
Praying for you. I spent 5 months with Rich 1800 miles away and realtors showing up at odd hours to interrupt my already interrupted life. I only got to see him twice during that time. I so feel your pain – and I doubt I handled it half as well as you are.
{{hugs}}
Janel´s last blog ..Life’s About Changin’
Janel,
5 months!? I’m a mess after two months with no breaks. I’m relieved that chapter is over for you.
During these weeks, I’ve thought of the families separated for longer. There are heroes in the military away from their loved ones even during the holidays…May God grant them peace and strength.
Hang strong mama. You are doing a great job, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Questions from our little ones can be the most pointed, can’t they? Sending you cyber hugs and lots of chocolate.
Anna-Marie´s last blog ..Learning plans 2009-2010
Hang in there Renae!
I haven’t personally had to deal with more than a day or two away – and that was hard enough.
I greatly admire military wives that have to take care of everything while their husbands are deployed.
Jendi´s last blog ..Getting Through The Introduction
I know exactly where you are although I suspect that I am apart from my husband for a different reason than you are (I am a new reader to your blog). It is very difficult task and one that only can be accomplished with the grace of God. Praying for strength for you!
Tara´s last blog ..10 Amazing Things I’ve Done!