Feeding my Pride
Because the lyrics of my life include Rich Mullins’ songs, someone gave me a twenty-six page magazine about the self-proclaimed ragamuffin. There are many pithy quotes in the Release Extra, but this one echoes.
I don’t feed my ego by wearing pretentious clothes or by cutting my hair in pretentious ways or by snubbing people in hotel lobbies. That’s not the way I feed my ego. The way I feed my ego is much more insidious and sneaky, but just as real…
I relate. Otherwise, these words would loosen their grip of my heart.
My family tries to lives simply. We bought an ugly house and make lists of what we’ll fix someday. Dreaming about converting the garage and remodeling the bathroom is easier than actually doing it. It’s cheaper, too.
One of our cars is an old station wagon. It isn’t held together with duct tape (yet), but most of the paint is gone.
My wardrobe consists of t-shirts, jeans, and a few skirts. I do not like putting on make-up. My hair is short, because I don’t want to mess with it every morning. Those external things don’t make me humble. I inflate opinions of myself in other ways.
My pride gorges itself with thoughts of invincibility. I am strong. I like to think I can keep the house clean and children laughing, while speaking gentle words of wisdom. Then the sun rises, and I pull the quilt over my head.
I want to be regarded as thoughtful, smart, and capable. But just when I’ve got things under control and figured out, children grow, seasons change, finances squeeze, or the dryer breaks. The laundry stacks up and the floor collects dirt.
It is easy for me to see when others put extra pressure on themselves, but if the load is on my back I often miss it. Glancing over my shoulder, I am astonished by the tangled weight of expectations. The extra fat I carry is from feeding my ego. God intends for me to run with the foot soldiers, but I lag behind wriggling the pack on my back. Instead of carrying the messy mass, I need to let it go.
There is a weight to carry. It is the weight of God’s glory, not mine.
I can so relate to this post too. I rarely wear something other than jeans and a t-shirt and I rarely wear makeup unless I am actually going out into the world. I do what you do, I find false power as a home maker and mother, with lofty ideals about how our home should look and run. Of course I fail, because real life doesn’t work that way. I am right there with you, pulling the covers over my head, lol.
Hi, I’m back, well, sort of, lol. I can relate. Pride wears many hats. You can be poor and be prideful. Rich and prideful. Modest and judgmental. Well-dressed and condescending. Sacrificial and critical of those who are “worldly”. Organized outside but all muddled up inside. My test has been,”Is this a loving thought or action?” “Am I building up or tearing down?” And I do fail my points of test. Yet I’m thankful for the daily struggle as I seek to be more like Jesus. As long as we seek to walk in the light, our flaws will be obvious to us. Struggle is proof of a quickened spirit. His grace is our strength so I go forward today, prideful warts and all, yet trusting that my Heavenly Father is working in me….God bless, dear friend. I love your heart…
There’s a lot of wisdom when Peter admonishes that those of us who think we stand to take heed lest we fall. Right about the time we think we have things under control is the time that we should realize that it’s not us, it’s grace, and we should be careful comparing ourselves to others.
Thanks for the reminder.
Renae – about the duct tape, y’know, a weekend in Arkansas could take care of that for you! :)
Interesting post! Thanks for stopping by my blog. :)
Melinda,
It’s so good to know that God sees underneath those covers and calls us out in his love. His burden is light, but mine is heavy.
Miiko,
Welcome back! How was your trip? I look forward to hearing about it.
Your comment is better than my post. I’ve often been “muddled inside.” The struggle is worth it though. And, you are right, God’s grace is sufficient.
MInTheGap,
Yes, I was thinking of the verse that says pride comes before a fall. Also, if I only do what I’m capable of I will miss a lot of blessings. God’s plans are much larger than mine. He wants me to grow, not lounge in comfort.
Grace, grace God’s grace…..sing it :)
Activities Coordinator,
Hey, that sounds good to me! I’ve heard there are some beautiful places in Arkansas. I’ll pack my duct tape and be right there. ;)
Emily,
Oh, yeah! That’s where I breathe. It’s taken me years to get here, but I’m so thankful I’ve learned the power of forgiveness. Realizing how much I love my children helped me understand God’s love for me.
wow. that’s so true.
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