Overcoming Perfectionism
I returned from my trip a number of days ago, but I’ve been trying to find my motivation.
- I looked under the laundry pile. It wasn’t there.
- I organized my bookmarks. Didn’t find it.
- I transformed the sculpted bottom of a broken coffee table into a planter with a fancy black rim. That was fun, but it didn’t give zest for daily chores.
Is my perfectionism getting the better of me? How do I fight against my tendency to want everything just so? Just so finished. Just so in place. Just so organized. Lately the pendulum sways more towards apathetic than energetic.
Angel of For the Sake of the Call wrote about The Curse of High Expectations. This curse haunts me, too. It slunk away, but returns to knock on the door. Can the monster be restrained? Not by me. In the follow-up post, His Grace is Enough, something powerful emerges.
So often my tendency is to feel like a complete failure and then determine to dig in my heels and get busy becoming a better wife, a more patient mom, an industrious housekeeper, super organized….
- I just need to get up earlier and spend less time on the computer.
- I just need to read my Bible more and pray more and exercise more.
- I just need to ____________.
And then I fall on my face. The alarm goes off and I really intend to get up, but I’m just too tired or I plan to clean my bedroom and bathroom and re-organize the closet, but while I’m in the midst of it, the puppy chews up my shoes and gets sick on the carpet. Then I feel like even more of a failure.
The problem? I, I, I, I, I….
The question pounds again,
Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now perfected in the flesh? Galatians 3:3
Yes, I am foolish, but this verse from long ago carries hope. My life is not complete. I am not finished.
Expectations aren’t monsters creeping in the shadows, rather they remind me that my idea of perfect is external. I want the messes cleaned up and the bare floor covered. God wants to give me peace and increase my capacity to love. That is not something I can do, so I’ll endure in joy as my heart is stretched to uncover the shadows.
Amen, sister. I hear that. And DITTO.
I call it ‘looking for the magic wand’- that indefinable something that will not only motivate me but will solve all my time management problems.
I blame it on my childhood- I was considered ‘gifted’, and so had to stay on the honor roll and constantly perform neat spelling and math tricks. Somebody call Oprah. I’ve been traumatized.
It really is another one of those hearts issues though, and I have to ask myself “How am I going to feel about this floor/closet/bathroom 20 years from now? Or a hundred years from now?”
I did get some help from Julie Morgenstern’s book “Organizing From the Inside Out” and Debi Stack’s “Martha to the Max”. Now I am going to go check out those links…
“Strive for excellence not perfection”.
I like this quote. Not that I get too over-perfectionist. ;)
but you know, it’s *hard* doing the housewife thing. I once asked Ron how he would feel if he went to work the next day only to find his work undone and he had to do it all over again.
Mostly, I go with the jobs screaming the loudest. If my baseboards are dusty, no one really cares. :D
Sunniemom,
I knew some other overachievers could relate. ;)
My problem is finding the balance. I manage things fairly well, but sometimes the weight of the unfinished projects pushes me down.
I used to be able to keep up, but now the kids out number me. :)
Andrea,
Right. Perfection is just a perception, and I’ve always fought against external judgments. Now I realize that not many people really care. If I am comfortable in my house, others will be, too.
But if I tackle a project, I want to do it right (whatever that is) or not at all. I enjoy the process of creating, but my time is spent doing the work of family life. I have to remember that is creating as well. It’s just not as easily seen.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is EXACTLY where I live. That scripture stings. I am going to write it down and memorize it. I am also putting it around to remind me that it’s not by might or by power but by the Spirit.
God is much more concerned with my fruit than my performance. I get the cart before the horse. The stuff I want to change will change when I put God first and allow the Fruit to abound. The external character cannot change until the internal change happens. Why do I keep forgetting this basic principle?? :)
Oh, and you have to post a pic of that planter. That’s gotta be cool.
I loved those posts of Angels. I think she hit a nerve with many,many moms.
Anna-Marie,
Yes, it’s always internal to external, isn’t it? It is hard because all we see is the external. I get embarrassed if someone stops by and the house is a wreck, but is that really were my worth comes from? I feel like I’m not doing a good job. Reality is many times I’m not. However, the most important work is unseen. It’s giving life to the heart.
And I’ll think about posting a picture of the table turned planter. I may be getting plants for it on Mother’s Day. ;)
Emily,
Yes. I read them a few times. I can so relate.
Powerful post. You just described me to a tee. Whenever I get my focus off of Christ and onto the mirror, I tend to wallow in those perfectionistic tendencies.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. This post was a much needed one for me to read. In fact I think I need to read it every day, because it’s a continual battle for me in which our Lord has to put me back in place constantly. I don’t think I really see that fine balance line between try to hard and not hard enough. And then I end up focusing constantly on “I”.
Blessings,
Melissa
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/melissal89
Great post, Renae. I do not think I am a perfectionist at all, but I still found inspiration in this post.
I would love to see a photo of the planter, too.
Wonderful reminders, thanks Renae!! Happy Mother’s Day, and many blessings to your family!
Daisy,
Who knew that being a perfectionist is so hard? I used to line all my shoes up in the closet. Now I’m happy if shoes get to the closet. ;)
Melissa,
You described the balance I seek perfectly. I think that routine and schedule helps, but this time of year I want to scrub all the corners and purge all the closets.
Charity,
Maybe I better work on my titles. ;) You are right. This idea doesn’t only apply to compulsive people like me. I’m glad you were encouraged.
The planter is still empty, and I hope you won’t be disappointed with my poetic license. I’m not sure how fancy it really is. :D
Jennifer,
I hope you have a blessed Mother’s Day, too! My husband will be working, but I plan on doing some painting in the afternoon. It’s a pretty good bet that the little ones take naps after church, so I’m looking forward to some quiet time.
I struggle with perfectionism too. I fall into the trap of self-blame a lot too. But the bottom line is our connection to CHrist is our most important chore and so long as we have that right, other things will fall into place for us.
Happy Mother’s Day!!
I have got the other problem. Since I grew up with perfectionism, I was determined not to be that way. But, I’m a bit too relaxed at times.
Renae, Thanks for your comments on my blog! It’s nice to know there are few people who read them.
I can so relate to this post. It is just me. I want to spend all day schooling (I love it) and really resent having to do the housework. I would love to do some more creative things too, but the washing has to be done, dinner has to be cooked etc…. At the moment the endless clutter is drowning me, I try to do a little bit a day but it doesn’t seem to make much difference… I am 6 1/2 pregnant with no.5, so I am feeling very tired and just don’t have the energy to be the perfectionist I want to be. I guess I need to remind myself what really matters – relationships with my children, not being a “Martha Stewart mom” as Andrew Pudewa (of IEW) so nicely put it in his recent conference here in NZ.
Blessings,
Rachael.
Wow! You’ve obviously struck a nerve with a lot of people. That’s a sign of a good post.
I call my newsletter “The Imperfect Homeschooler” because of my own struggles with perfectionism. It can be so hard to find that balance between properly using the gifts God gave you with a goal of doing your best, and going overboard and falling into the perfectionism trap. Sometimes we just need to stop, catch our breath, and then ask ourselves if this thing we’re trying to do just so has eternal value. Much of the time, the answer is no.
[...] week I mentioned looking for some motivation. Well, it came yesterday. It wasn’t a glorious light shining in my window, or a jazzy song [...]
[...] My husband knows it, too. That’s why he brought home the base of a broken table. It is now the planter on my front porch that Anna-Marie and Charity asked to [...]
[...] presents Overcoming Perfectionism posted at Life Nurturing Education. The key: putting yourself [...]